Sunday, September 11, 2016

My Nutty Rant

Do you ever just feel like a cruddy person? Well I do. I allow my mind to fill to the brim with negative thoughts about everyone and everything around me. You name it, I've got a way to make it a bummer.

I think to myself, "No wonder God doesn't bless me or fix my problems. My thoughts don't even go toward Him." I don't pray naturally. Naturally, I go "woe is me."

I feel lonely. I feel* like no one cares, and I feel like the few who do quickly grow tired of caring because I'm pretty much a Debbie Downer. And that gets old to anyone after a while.
*Please note the key word here is "feel." I know the truth is thatGod has given me people in my life who love me and care about me. But sometimes I completely forget about that and just feel totally alone.

I don't handle stress with grace. I don't handle Satan's attacks with strong faith. I don't inspire people with my supernatural spiritual strength. In fact, I am jealous of those around me who seem to be "Christian people magnets."

These thoughts that I described above just barely scratch the surface of the dark sins that I struggle with. I could go on and on for pages about how much I fail at being a "good Christian." But the fact is, I'm not a good Christian. I'm a pretty cruddy one. I want to be...but I think that's my problem. I want to be the "great Christian." I want to be the perfect mom and housewife. I want to be that amazing friend that somehow everyone flocks to.

I get so caught up how much I fail at greatness, I lose sight of the only worthwhile goal: becoming more like Christ.

But Christ had supernatural strength. He consistently prayed. He drew in crowds that He sometimes couldn't get away from even when He wanted to. He's inspired billions of people across the ages. How am I supposed to be like that?

I don't know...

I don't always have answers when I want them...

Aren't blog posts supposed to end with some incredible answer or solution to a problem? Or some amazing new insight on how to live life?

And all I've given you is a roller coaster ride of problems. (That's how I feel like my life has been: a roller coaster. Some seasons of life I am so close to the Lord and I know how to handle anything. Other times I withdraw myself from Him and wallow in that "I'm screwed" feeling.)

Well I don't have any amazing insights or incredible solutions for you. Sorry :( All I can offer you (and myself) is the healing truth of Scriptures to which we must be faithfully obedient:

Philippians 2:14-15
Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world.

Cling to the hope that no matter how much we fail, God's love endures through all of it (Psalm 136). Remembering that God is consistent, unchanging, and perfectly loving and patient with me, gets me through all seasons of life. 

Sorry about my nutty rant. My only hope in publishing this post is that someone else out there knows they are not alone in struggling with this Christian walk of ours.