Thursday, March 28, 2019

Facing Pregnancy Scared

I wrote the post below back in June 2018, shortly after finding out I was pregnant with my third son, Cade Oliver Code. In October of 2018, at 20 weeks, I found out Cade died. I wrote about my experience of grief and hope with his neonatal death months before I got the courage to publish it. Well, here's another post I never had the courage to post until now. I actually wrote this post while I was still pregnant, and I was feeling very depressed and hopeless. I was facing pregnancy scared but trying my hardest to keep my eyes on God.

Below is the original post I wrote during my pregnancy, with just a few minor edits for better flow structure. Anything written [in italics and in brackets like this] is a later edit I wrote commenting on the original post. 

Feeling Scared

One Thursday in June

I started my day off confused about what my role is in my family.
With certain hard financial decisions coming up, I thought maybe God was telling me I needed to sacrifice being at home with my kids in order to work full time and contribute towards my family’s finances. But at the same time, as I examined life, I felt a deep calling to stay home with my children in order to instill values in them in ways that no one else possibly can. I felt caught between a rock and a hard place. 

That morning, I met with a mentor to walk through these feelings of guilt and confusion. God knew I needed that meeting because it was just what I needed to assure me that my calling is first and foremost to be a homemaker, caring for my husband and children. I left that meeting encouraged to be confident in my role as a stay at home wife and mom, and an action plan on seeking ways I can bring in some income at the same time. 

In the afternoon, Cameron and I enjoyed some much needed quality time and talked over my role in our family as well as how to implement the action plan. I then started reading a book my friend gave me. It's called The Mission of Motherhood,  and it further confirmed my own calling for our family. As I was reading it, I felt fatigued…and the sudden urge to take a test…

At about 4pm, I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child. Surprisingly, my initial feelings were of joy and excitement. I was honored that God trusted us with another human being! I was so confident that if He was giving us these little blessings, He would provide for all of us. I really wanted to surprise Cameron with the news on Father’s Day, which was just a couple days away. But I couldn’t even last 24 hours without telling him!

Since That Thursday

Hitting Walls

Those first few days I was still filled with joy and excitement, but also anticipation. Each of my last two pregnancies was very rough for the first half. I knew that I only had a few days before the morning sickness would hit. Knowing my midwife no longer accepted insurance, I contacted my old OBGYN. The first question the office staff asked me was how far along I was. “I don’t know….that’s one reason I’m coming in. Maybe 6 weeks?” Her response, “Dr. XXX doesn’t see patients until they are at least 8 weeks.” I knew I couldn’t last that long. I’d be puking my guts out by then! When I asked if I could please see her as soon as possible, I was told she didn’t even have any openings until next month, and her associates weren’t available for a couple weeks either. 

I then tried calling the midwives of Texas Children’s Hospital, only to be told they do not accept V-BAC patients, even if they’ve already successfully delivered a V-BAC. 

I was crushed. I felt like no one cared about me as a person. I was just another number that really didn’t matter to them one way or another. All the confidence I felt suddenly turned to fear. I felt I was doomed to settle for an OBGYN that I could afford but that didn’t care about me or my well-being. I was also scared that I would be forced to go a month of severe nausea and vomiting that would leave me dehydrated and barely functional before finding someone willing to prescribe me the medicine I needed. 

Looking back on that moment, I know I was being overly emotional. I know that there’s numerous physicians to call. But man that moment felt desperate. 

And I was desperate for the medicine. So I decided that I would be willing to pay whatever one appointment costs to see my midwife in order to get the meds that make pregnancy tolerable for me. 

Renewed Hope

As soon as I walked into her office, she immediately greeted me with a smile, called me by name and said, "You’re pregnant!” The fact that she remembered me and was truly happy for me and my pregnancy was a needed comfort. I was so glad to meet with her, catch up on her life, and talk about my prenatal needs. She gladly prescribed the meds I needed. And she let me know that she was personally available to all her prenatal patients 24/7. How incredible!

But then I was met with the cost. Now trust me, she is well worth the cost and deserves every penny for her care that is above and beyond any other! But we simply do not have that money. Leaving that appointment, I had a renewed confidence that God would provide somehow!

Since Then

My confidence since then has waned. I’m scared again. I have no idea how I am going to afford to pay what my midwife most definitely deserves. But I’m more scared of going with someone else to deliver my baby. She did amazing with Axel, and I have no doubt she’ll be just as amazing with this baby. Yet again, stuck between a rock and a hard place. [I ended up going with a different, highly recommended midwife accepted my insurance.]

Feeling Scared of Pregnancy Symptoms

I’m also scared of the next 3 months. The severity of my morning sickness has increased drastically. By taking 2 medications (7 pills) per day, I’ve been able to avoid the constant vomiting, but the nausea is always present. When I’ve gone an hour without eating, it slowly starts to increase in severity. After 2 hours, it feel debilitating. 

I’m scared I’m not going to be able to fulfill my role in my family because of my pregnancy. I’m scared I’m going to treat my children terribly because all of my energy will be focused on surviving rather than nurturing. I’m scared I won’t be able to help my family with finances because I just don’t have energy to step up to it. I’m scared that my marriage will suffer because of my pregnancy. 

Fearing Others' Opinion of Me

Worst of all, I’m scared people look down on me for having another child. I’m scared people think I have no business having more children. If I’m being honest, I'm fairly there are people out there who think that, based on some of their comments to me.

2 Timothy 1:7
for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

I’m not sure why my worst fear is what people think of us. It’s kind of ridiculous when I put it to the light of truth, and God’s truth says that every child is a blessing from God. Yes, children cost money and require a lot of sacrifices, but it’s all so worth it. I believe every person has a soul, and God planned this little soul that’s growing inside me. Others may consider it irresponsible, but when I take my thoughts captive, I know that this baby will grow up one day and people will forget that I was “irresponsible” but instead will remember this real live person who lives and breathes and hopefully impacts people in a positive way for God’s kingdom. [Reading this last sentence brings tears to my eyes because I'll never get to see Cade breathe, let alone build God's kingdom this side of heaven.]

I also know that despite the obstacles in my way, I’m going to do everything in my power to do what I’m called to do [only by God's power am I sustained to fulfill my calling], which includes, but is not limited to:

  • uplifting and helping my husband, the very hardworking leader and provider for our family
  • training my children up in the way of the Lord
  • wisely managing our family’s budget and taking measures to live frugally
  • seeking out ways to earn money that do not hinder my first three tasks, which are the top priority

I’m still scared. But I’m holding onto Christ, my hope the anchor of my soul. 

I have a feeling this is going to be my anthem song throughout this pregnancy. [And it was. I listened to it several times a week.]


Now: 5 1/2 Months Postpartm & Grieving

I can't help but notice the irony - I feared others' opinions of me and the hardships of having a 3rd child to care for. Losing my child never even occurred to me as something to be fearful of. Now, the thoughts in my head go more like, "Screw what other people think of me! I wish I could hold my child now. Facing those feared hardships would be so worth hearing my child breathe." 

I grieve Cade's loss. But I also rejoice in what God has done in my life because of his loss. I almost certainly would not be writing this post right now. He also use Cade's loss to orchestrate a meeting with a friend that proved to be pivotal in my ongoing fight against depression. 

What are you currently afraid of? In what ways has God brought you confidence despite the fear? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!


  1. Sarah, sweetie, you have been through so much. Keep clinging on to the Lord and He will bring something good from this time of suffering. Thank you you for sharing this.

  2. It takes great courage to share your fears & your grief Sarah. Thank you for being so brave!
    I do have understanding of your courage, I too grieved the loss of my daughter Candy & the loss of my son Benjamin both stillborn a year apart many years ago.
    God's love is what carries us through.
    I she'd my experience in

    You're most welcome to join me in a cuppa dear one,